Goddamnit I need more drink. needed to make things numb. make thoughts go away, all those photos of dismembered bodies in the back of a fieldbook and then the kid with all the brains. two hours of drinking. alone. I mean fuck fucking christ on a crutch, what the hell? What the hell is going on with life, I mean. god. On the run from a fucking eldritch abomination and I keep fucking seeing him just outside my line of sight I swear to god. Who drinks pabst anymore? Fuck it. But it's like, i've been looking at all these other blogs and people are talking about how we have to kill him and how we have to fight him and all this kind of shit. Ooh, I'm going to punch the monster out, we can band together, and I think there must be something terminally wrong with me because I hate the idea of fighting. Thing is... the thing is, see...
Why is nobody scared?
God-fucking on a crutch damnit, why isn't anyone fucking scared?
I'm terrified all the fucking time. I don't want to die, I don't want to go nuts, and I spend half my time willing for him to be somewhere else, like in the sun or something. Every time I take a shower, I swear to god he's right behind the curtain, and I don't want to look because I don't want to know if he's there. I go to sleep with my head under my covers like Elsie did when she was all fucked in the head because I don't want to think about the shadows that might be taking on a tall thin shape or that the lamppost looks different or there's a sound like footsteps or just the ceiling creaking and I wonder if there's a man with a mask there but I don't want to look. I glance in the mirror and i think something is behind me but there's nothing there when I turn around
I mean fuck on a crutch, how can you even stand to look at him without running in the opposite direction? He's probably killed thousands, fuck, no, if my calculations are right it might even be scaling into hundreds of millions. I've spent the last bloody week reading about people losing against him again and again and againa nd people dying for thousands of years. It's all so goddamn hopeless.
And then there's the whole "way out" shite promoted by redlight, and christ, we don't know if robert exists or whatever but I still feel fucking guilty for his pain. Hurt all the fucking time, everyone, and god knows if it's real or not.
You know who was real? Fizz. Fucking fizz. You're not supposed to say this to people who mourn or what shit but I knew her. none of you knew her! Jeff did, but the restof you, god. do you not know loss? he targets your friends, your families. he got Fizz and she was stronger than anyone else. She stayed at my house, ate my food, we talked and she said she said... she died. Pretty much killed herself and it was utterly my fault. she fucking died because of me. It was my fault. It was my goddamn fault. Why am I so stupid all the time? Why don't I get out? But Kim. I can't lose Kim. I'd rather die than let that happen. So fucking selfish. I'd rather die than let Kim have a chance at a better life. I'm a fucking idiot.
And I'm worried about Jeff because he's taking on far too much but everyone is jumping on that like he's suddenly some corrupt... i don't even know. he's just trying to help. am i just making everything worse? Probably.
Christ. losing everything. lost everything. my parents. Benny. Kim just rambles. she's not there. but I can't let her go. i'm losing my fucking head. i just want to scream and swear but it's not like anybody can hear. so many people die. i'm too tired and drunk to be coherent anyway. usually i could pick up my phone and talk to mum or have dad threaten to beat up whatever boy was giving me trouble. I just feel so lost without them. I feel so lost all the time. and I'm so fucking ungrateful for all the people to help me. I'm just a mess. can't find anything funny, can't be unserious, even when i do find a joke it's usually bloody depressing.
I didn't ask for any of this. I didn't delve too much into Marble Hornets, I didn't go out looking for him. I just wanted to help my friend. and with Elsie.
how will she ever forgive me?
there's no way out of this now. no use pretending there ever was. I'm probably going to die. Until then, I'm going to do more searching and try and figure out what the hell is going on. And I'm going to try and keep Kim safe.
I'm so tired...
Jean I sure as hell am scared, but I'm not going to sit around and wait for it to come and get me. I won't let the fear paralyze me. If I'm going to die it will be by fighting this thing.
ReplyDeleteI'm just as scared as you are Jean. Do you have any idea what I'm doing right now? I'm sitting in my room with all the lights on too scared to sleep because I know he's out there. I haven't checked, but I know. I may be on board with the whole "let's stop the Slenderman" thing, but that's because if I believe any other alternative I'll freaking loose my mind. I have to believe that we can figure this out, otherwise I'll snap. Then die. Hell, I might still die, but I don't want to die thinking I didn't have a chance.
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel though, to an extent. Being scared and tired...it sucks. And I hate it.
~Alora
Jean.
ReplyDeleteDon't think we aren't scared.
I am.
Fuck, I am.
I'm scared for myself and Chester and my friends and my family and you guys and just
it hurts. I'm terrified I'll wake up one morning and find Jeff gone, or you gone, or Darby or Ava or Thage or Alora or anyone, anyone at all and that might be the last straw for me.
--Vivi
You need to stop reading that stuff it's not really teaching you anything is it, nothing new anyway, just 'it showed up, people died'. Does it end when someone 'hurts' it? Does it end when there's no one left to talk about it? If they can't even tell you the conditions to end this...well, it just isn't very useful is it?
ReplyDeleteThe Keepers: I'm a distrusting fuckwit, I haven't been keeping up with them and when I do see their comments I take it with a grain of salt and, yeah I'm probably being unfair, but maybe its just 'cause I refuse to accept the Husks can be cured...'cause if so, how many people could I have saved have I killed!?
Scared...no idea I'm scared, but it's such a common thing to me...it just slips into the background sometimes, it's been awhile since I've seen it, if only you all could be so lucky. I've been wrapped up in my past, so I don't really fall asleep I just pass out surrounded by paper.
I didn't know Isabella, not really, you need proof just look back to Nemureru hoshi no aoi suna; that's the shallowest most ineloquent piece of shit eulogy ever. But it really is about making yourself feel better another bit of proof that she existed and had a unique effect on all of us. Personally she was a symbol of strength someone to look to other than myself who was willing to go the whole 10 yards. If they're making her a martyr to look to when times are tough...real or fake sometimes it doesn't matter, I guess.
Jean, you really don't think I'm scared?
ReplyDeleteJean, I can hear him. All the time. Right now, he's whispering to me, in his sick language of compulsions. I live every moment in fear, dreading the moment when I can't resist any more and I let him control me again.
Jean, I'm probably the most scared of all of us. I've been on the other side. I know the worst of what he can do to anyone.
But you can't let him know that. Put on a brave face, make him think you're not scared of him. You might even fool yourself after a while.
God, guys, I'm sorry. I was venting. I know we're all scared. It'd be stupid not to be.
ReplyDeleteWill and Alora, I agree. But reading this stuff... it makes it difficult to stay positive. But we have to know history. It's the most important thing. So I'll keep going. I'm sure we can figure this out. Surely...
Suspended, I hear you times a million. I know it's difficult to trust people right now. But don't get yourself down. And about the reading, I think it's important to know what has happened in the past, to avoid redundancy. We've got to learn.
Viv, you'll be fine. You and Chess'll be fine.
Reach... Christ. Stay strong, sir. Well, as strong as possible. You fragging survive, Reach. You deserve it.