Goddamnit I need more drink. needed to make things numb. make thoughts go away, all those photos of dismembered bodies in the back of a fieldbook and then the kid with all the brains. two hours of drinking. alone. I mean fuck fucking christ on a crutch, what the hell? What the hell is going on with life, I mean. god. On the run from a fucking eldritch abomination and I keep fucking seeing him just outside my line of sight I swear to god. Who drinks pabst anymore? Fuck it. But it's like, i've been looking at all these other blogs and people are talking about how we have to kill him and how we have to fight him and all this kind of shit. Ooh, I'm going to punch the monster out, we can band together, and I think there must be something terminally wrong with me because I hate the idea of fighting. Thing is... the thing is, see...
Why is nobody scared?
God-fucking on a crutch damnit, why isn't anyone fucking scared?
I'm terrified all the fucking time. I don't want to die, I don't want to go nuts, and I spend half my time willing for him to be somewhere else, like in the sun or something. Every time I take a shower, I swear to god he's right behind the curtain, and I don't want to look because I don't want to know if he's there. I go to sleep with my head under my covers like Elsie did when she was all fucked in the head because I don't want to think about the shadows that might be taking on a tall thin shape or that the lamppost looks different or there's a sound like footsteps or just the ceiling creaking and I wonder if there's a man with a mask there but I don't want to look. I glance in the mirror and i think something is behind me but there's nothing there when I turn around
I mean fuck on a crutch, how can you even stand to look at him without running in the opposite direction? He's probably killed thousands, fuck, no, if my calculations are right it might even be scaling into hundreds of millions. I've spent the last bloody week reading about people losing against him again and again and againa nd people dying for thousands of years. It's all so goddamn hopeless.
And then there's the whole "way out" shite promoted by redlight, and christ, we don't know if robert exists or whatever but I still feel fucking guilty for his pain. Hurt all the fucking time, everyone, and god knows if it's real or not.
You know who was real? Fizz. Fucking fizz. You're not supposed to say this to people who mourn or what shit but I knew her. none of you knew her! Jeff did, but the restof you, god. do you not know loss? he targets your friends, your families. he got Fizz and she was stronger than anyone else. She stayed at my house, ate my food, we talked and she said she said... she died. Pretty much killed herself and it was utterly my fault. she fucking died because of me. It was my fault. It was my goddamn fault. Why am I so stupid all the time? Why don't I get out? But Kim. I can't lose Kim. I'd rather die than let that happen. So fucking selfish. I'd rather die than let Kim have a chance at a better life. I'm a fucking idiot.
And I'm worried about Jeff because he's taking on far too much but everyone is jumping on that like he's suddenly some corrupt... i don't even know. he's just trying to help. am i just making everything worse? Probably.
Christ. losing everything. lost everything. my parents. Benny. Kim just rambles. she's not there. but I can't let her go. i'm losing my fucking head. i just want to scream and swear but it's not like anybody can hear. so many people die. i'm too tired and drunk to be coherent anyway. usually i could pick up my phone and talk to mum or have dad threaten to beat up whatever boy was giving me trouble. I just feel so lost without them. I feel so lost all the time. and I'm so fucking ungrateful for all the people to help me. I'm just a mess. can't find anything funny, can't be unserious, even when i do find a joke it's usually bloody depressing.
I didn't ask for any of this. I didn't delve too much into Marble Hornets, I didn't go out looking for him. I just wanted to help my friend. and with Elsie.
how will she ever forgive me?
there's no way out of this now. no use pretending there ever was. I'm probably going to die. Until then, I'm going to do more searching and try and figure out what the hell is going on. And I'm going to try and keep Kim safe.
I'm so tired...